To Better Ones Sense of Self

[Tuesday]

Day 1:

I've decided to see a therapist, which is odd considering psychology is going to be my major. I've never really thought of going to see a counselor before, but now it seems like this is one of the few good ideas I've had in a while. To say I was skeptical is putting it mildly. The first day going into the office was proof enough, I nearly walked right on out of there with all the paperwork they handed. It felt like I was taking a test and in a way I really was. I had to answer questions about myself, rate how I felt, etc. After what felt like an eternity of filling out the questions, I was done, and after 15min my therapist was at the waiting room door inviting me in. We started off with formalities and what not, it was more of a meet and greet kind of session. That was yesterday, today was the "interview" session. Basically she asked me more questions and ratings on how I was. She told me that so far they could see that on the charts I had a high result in depression, a high result in anxiety, and a high result in hostility. This last one was the big shocker. Me? Hostile. I hate violence! It just seemed odd that I would be high in that area. When she told me this she could tell I was really bothered by it. I told her straight up that I was not a violent person. Then she began to tell me that hostility doesn't necessarily mean violent, it can mean angry or needing to get a say in things, fighting for some kind of control. Ah, that sounds a bit better. But the thought of violence still lingered, and she asked me again why I was so bothered. When she had told me these results we had been discussing my mother and how I felt towards my family. So I opened up a bit, I expressed that I would never lay a hand on my mother, I would never do anything to harm a person. My brother has on the other hand done the above. My therapist talked me through it and some of what she said made sense in a way. She brought self harm to which I admitted had had an accurance in my life before. Then she discussed for the second time the idea of being put on medication, which I am very hesistant upon the idea. To me being put on medication just seems like putting away my problems, but since it's late in the semester she really would prefer it and then do a follow up when I come back. I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me is saying to give it a shot but ugh I just don't know. Another thing is that she wants me to start being more active and to try to establish 3 habits to begin. It's supposed to help me in a way, help me feel better about doing things and feel better about myself I guess. I don't know. This is going to be one of them, writing in this "story" I guess every day for at least 20 minutes. I wanna try to keep my room clean too but she says that I should build on small things first so yeah. So I guess my second one is dressing nice every day, which I guess is easy enough. So my 20 minutes are up for the day. Hey maybe doing this will motivate me to write on other stories.

[Tuesday]

Day 2:

So I really have to motivate myself to write in here, it will help me in the long run I know, I just have to push myself to do it. Last night I talked to my mom to try and get her to understand how I've been feeling a bit more. It was a long talk but I'm glad she knows whats going on with me. I think these last couple of weeks have just been the breaking point for me. Family stuff, then worrying about my boyfriend, then worrying about everything else that has just been fucking up. Tomorrow is yet another session with the therapist, I still am unsure about the whole medicine thing. I've never been one to enjoy medicine, hell just taking cold medicine is a struggle for me. Kinda wish I was going home this weekend, but at the same time I think it's better if I stay where I am. This "journal" I guess we could call it, is quite a funny thing. This day I was just going to jot something down real quick sine the days almost up, and yet I find myself writing furiously. It's almost as if the words are seeping down from my mind to my fingers without taking a breath. I really want to get back to how I could refrain from saying everything on my mind, without realizing the consequences. Tact is what my therapist says it is, we're going to try to work on my communication skills. The whole hostile thing is still kinda bugging me, I've never pictured myself as angry, but I guess in a way it makes sense. I don't know.

[Tuesday]

Day 3:

To take the medicine, or not to take the medicine. That is indeed the question. If it can help me, even just a little bit, then I should take it right? Right. So why am I so hesitant to take something that's supposed to help me in the long run? I've talked to my mom since all hell broke loose, and it made me feel loads better that for once she really listened to me. I thought for sure she'd say it was all in my head or that it was unimportant. But no, she listened and for that I am thankful. My therapist though, does want me to see all perspectives. Which in times like this I do need to listen to. I do have the habit of when hear my mom sound like this, I forget all the bad things. Another thing my therapist told me to think about kinda shocked me a bit. Today she complimented me on how I handled the situation. She said it took " a lot of balls" to do what I did. To confront my mom. And I just kinda stuttered and fumbled with my words a bit. And she asked if I didn't know how to respond to compliments. Which is true, compliments make me feel awkward since I'm sometimes unsure whether they're genuine or not. Then she posed a question for me. Do I believe I should be liked for me? Or better yet do I please people and do things for people, in the hopes that they'll like me more for it? These questions were surprisingly more tough for me than i thought they would be. The second question is a yes, I do do this all the time. I have this urge to do things for others in the hopes that they'll like me or want to be my friend more. The first question is a no. Cause sometimes, I don't even like me, so why should other people like me for me. Todays session really got me thinking a whole lot, mostly about stuff I really would never think about. Especially since it's difficult to think of. Confusing I know. My mind is chaos, or constantly going in a circle. Going no where within this circular route. Oh and procrastination really isn't a good thing for me, especially since I hate being pressured. In fact it makes me more anxious. My therapist told me that I should do little things spread out to ease the workload of everything. I just need to motivate myself towards it. She also mentioned picking up activities, which is true. You know, I used to so many things when I was younger. I played sports, played instruments, danced, I did so many things and now I have nothing. She mentioned that I should see about being a lifeguard since I was on swimteam. This really interested me, but at the same time I'm so unsure and kinda afraid to be around people who do this also. But she told me that what do I have to loose. Nothing. She's right, I should just stop caring about what others think and just put myself out there and do the things I've always wanted to do. But it's difficult, I've spent my whole life caring about what others think. Some habits will be hard to break.

[Tuesday]

Day 4:

Ok so I'm gonna try to make this a quick one since I've unfortunately got a lot of things to do. Haha yeah right, my life it pathetic what the hell am I going to be doing? No I've been watching this tv series and I'm almost done with the season. OK so tomorrow I've decided to do some "spring cleaning" cause it's as my therapist says, sometimes a messy room or home can affect the chaos in our lives. So gonna clean and go workout a bit tomorrow, cause I really wanna get in shape. I finally got a somewhat decent nights sleep last night, although that may have to do with the fact that I drugged myself up some. Only allergy meds. But still I woke up and was exhausted. Which I shouldn't have been, it's like all I want to do is sleep nowadays. Some shit happened today, but I'm trying not to worry, most likely he'll be fine. But I don't want freak out or anything. My thoughts have been kinda sporatic today, and it probably doesn't help that this show really heightens the thought process to the nth degree. Ok that's all for tonight, I promise tomorrow will be a more decent post.

[Tuesday]

Day 5:

Ugh I should really stop waiting till the last minute to write in this, cause now the pressure is on to write this thing in under 6 minutes!!! GAH! Why do I procrastinate so badly!! My room looks a bit better today, but it'll look even more wonderful tomorrow when I through out the trashbags and hang clothes. My brother really is the girl in the family, honestly he spends more time in front of a mirror than I ever do, he loves organization, and he enjoys shopping....Weird. Anyways, talk to my mom a bit today, it kinda is annoying me that she's trying to talk to me aboutall this and to open up to her. She needs to stop, I'll figure things out without her help, it's what I do best. I know she sounds all concerned, but to me it sounds more like she's patronizing me, like she's worried I'm going to break. Which is completely ridiculous. Why are boys so difficult to understand? That is a question for tomorrow.

[Tuesday]

DAY 5 AND OR 6:

haha that was a close post above. ttyl

[Tuesday]

Day 6: (a bit of an earlier post)

I'm a bit of a youtube fanatic, have been since I acquired a new computer my freshman year ol high school. Only recently however have I begun to watch vloggers. Video Bloggers. When I first came in counter of youtube, I mainly watched music videos and just learned lyrics of my favorite songs, then it slowly progressed to watching movies and long forgotten shows. I had tried to watch vloggers but back then it just never really appealed to me, nowadays it's all I watch. These people are so talented and smart, but it goes back to my previous post. I could've been able to do these things if I had just pushed myself to say "what will you lose" now I feel like I've never really pushed myself to my full potential, probably cause I was scared to fail. But failure is part of life. I kinda made my decision this weekend and that is I'll be discussing with my therapist on thursday about taking meds. It really was a tough decision for me, but I need to better myself. Along with the meds I have set up a few goals for myself. Firstly is I really want to go to the rec at least twice a week. It'll get me out of the dorm and make me more aware of my surroundings. Secondly is summertime goals. I'm not sure if I'll be taking classes during the summer or not but if not then I want to learn the keyboard. I want to take keyboard lessons with an actual person. Another summertime goal is getting fit. I'm gonna try to go swimming four times a week. And not the leisurely kind of swimming, I mean the cut throat kind. I used to be on swimteam and now I really do miss being in the water. In my neighborhood we have a pool that can help with this so I'll be biking there which will benefit me even more. Then of course I'll be working, not so much fun, but money is good. I never did finish cleaning my room but hopefully I can do little things each day to improve how it looks. DFTBA.

[Tuesday]

Day 7:

Yeah I realize I forgot to write in day 7. Which sucks since it would've been a week thus far in writing in here, which is quite impressive for me. Unfortunately this is not the case. My excuse? Yeah not a good one, I basically decided to go to bed after I had taken a shower, and halfway through the night I woke up and realized that I had forgotten *sigh* more later for day 8 I promise.

[Tuesday]

Day 8:

Not much went on today really, I was supposed to go to the rec today to work out, but instead I went to my dorm and played sims. Work today was as it usually is, lacking in creativity and me being trapped in a office. I hate office jobs, yeah I guess I should be "happy" about being so "lucky" as to have a job. But I always told myself I would never have an office job. Running errands for people, and having to listen to people treat you like an idiot can be very taxing. I'm like a secretary, but lower. Boys are idiots, and I'm feeling kinda stupid right now for thinking me and my "bf" had something at all. Maybe if he did give me a bit of a cold shoulder I'd feel better, and maybe if he'd actually send me some form of communication. But he hasn't and I can't help but go back to feeling as if love is a lie. That there will never be an instance where two people can love each other unconditionally. I feel like he pretty much is confirming right now that it was all a lie and it hurts. I wish he'd talk to me, but it's looking like he doesn't want to. I just wish I knew what the hell was going on. I hope and wish that none of what I'm thinking is true, but I'm very doubtful.

[Tuesday]

Day 9:

Today something amazing happened, I tried something that I've never done before and that I've always been afraid to do. I went to a casting call for one of my favorite TV shows, Glee! I was very hesitant at the idea of going, and quite honestly would normally have just ignored it. But something in gut told I should go for it. I'm not sure what it was, but I felt compelled to go to it. So with about 4 hours of practice time I went to the audition. And you know what? I had a blast. I met so many friendly people, people who are just as nerdy as me. I was able to let loose and be myself around people. True it's people I'll probably never meet again, but still I didn't shy away. And through it all I realized something, I REALLY miss being part of theater. I miss the presence of the stage. I miss being able to be myself without hesitation. And it seems like today just made me see what it is I'm missing. I'm thinking of looking up theater groups or theater classes around either the San Antonio area, or the Austin area (just for the summer). I need to embrace who I am now, and not try to hide it. Sure some of my friends don't share the same opinion and think I'm a "nerd" is a bad thing. But then there's the others who can accept who I am, no matter what. And that dear sir is what true friendship is all about. I didn't even realize this till college when I found my true hearted friends. Which is surprising in itself cause they're people I used to hardly know. "What have you got to lose?" That was the bane of my thoughts all day, and I'm glad I thought this. Sure I only really formed one habit, but it is helping bit by bit, day by day. I'm thrilled I let myself be myself today, instead of just hiding behind a computer screen.

[Tuesday]

Day 10:

So I'm super tired right now and there's a lot I want to discuss, however because I'm so tired I don't think I'll be able to do today justice. So what I decided to do (tm) is write about today tomorrow. Maybe it was the rain that brought me down idk. anyways tomorrow I will catch up on this. Night!

[Tuesday]

Day 11:

I acknowledge that I failed to post this in time. I'm trying though.

[Tuesday]

Day 12:

Life is hard, and difficult but everyday we live in the hopes that everything will work out. That everything will end up ok. Sometimes changes happen our life, and we forget that every change affects someone else. Sometimes it's a love interest, and we lose sight of all around us, whether it had been on purpose or not. Someetimes we love too much and people we once found friendship in are now people who we hate and disrespect for their morality. And we hate those people because they actually enjoy something, and we call them nerds like it's an insult. Sometimes we're afraid to love for fear of the possible outcome of being rejected. Of being told by the person you care for "Well now that I see you, I realize you aren't my type at all." And sometimes we don't love enough, it being either I wish to move on to the next fish or hiding your heart from the harsh world around you. Then it's the friendships that change. Some for the better, and some for the worse. Friends we thought were sweet are now the enemy and we watch in fear of the next outcome. Are they really going to do this do to someone they supposedly consider a "friend"? Friends we had once held so close to our hearts, are being ripped away from us. We grow apart and the true self is revealed, and sometimes we don't know how to react to the changes of a person. All in all I don't know what to do anymore. I feel insulted, I feel almost betrayed in a way, but then I realize that I do have best friends. They've just changed to different people, better people who say it's ok to be you. And not follow stereotypes of wanting what every other girl in the world wants (boys, makeup, flirting, sexlife). I enjoy being me and being able to be who I am.

[Tuesday]

haha I just realized I sound WAAAY more intelligent in my writing, than I do in real life.

[Tuesday]

Day....uh....13!!!

Email my mom sent me today:


role of Friends


When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'
Another , 'Let's fight together,'
Another , 'Let's walk away together.'

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
Those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several..
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.

So whether they've been a friend for 20 minutes or 20+ years,
AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO,
Pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life
To make a difference. Including the one who sent it to you.


Wow this is surprisingly excellent advice for me right now. My mom has been telling me several times about different friends she has. And how friends can be there forever, and whenever you need them most. I didn't really care to listen, but I think if I want to feel better and have everything on a good note, then I should totally and completely listen to this. When I was little, I used to really and truly believe in the whole one best friend thing. And I truly believed that Lucy was going to be my friend forever. And you know what, we still kind've are. I mean sure we don't talk to one another but for like once a year, and we haven't seen each other physically since my freshman year of high school. But I know that if we were out on my back porch, we would just talk and talk like we had never been apart. Because friends don't really leave you're hearts. I know embarrassing things about Lucy (like how she had to wear headgear for her braces) and she knows embarrassing stuff about me (like the time I smashed my fingers in her hidden attic closet thing). Cause I know no matter what, we're still friends and we still care about each other. And that's how all friendships are like. You might get mad at your friends sure, but deep down you know they'll still be your friends, that they'll always be there for you.