First Draft: A Memory from a Dream

[Monday]

I hope ya'll enjoy!

[Monday]

Nicole Hughes reluctantly looked up from her book to stare at the man looming directly in front of her. Honestly, when she entered the small book shop that also happened to be the best place to find good poetry in town, she had no idea that Mr. Giddings would have the audacity to follow her in. It was obvious that the man had never read a decent piece of prose in his entire life, much less bothered to walk into a place selling such items.
“Nicole,” the man said in the same tight, commanding voice that had become far too familiar to her in the past couple of weeks. Would the wretched man never leave her be? “Will you please be reasonable for a moment? What I’m presenting you is an offer you will not receive more than once.”
Nicky shut her book with a little more force than necessary. “No, sir, I think it is you who should strive to be just a little more reasonable. And because you have already asked for my hand once this day, with a very adamant ‘no, thank you’ on my part, I might add, I can only assume that your marriage proposal is, in fact, meant to be offered more the once. And again, I will happily turn you down.”
“My lady,” he said, looking no more nonplused then he had five minutes ago, “do you not understand what it is you’re turning down? You will never receive a proposal of more than a thousand a year, especially with the sullen attitude you seem to constantly employ, and I’m about to guarantee you two thousand a year, and a villa in Surrey.”

[Monday]

She looked up at him in horror, her fist knotted on the cover of the book on her lap. “Are you daft?” Nicky hissed at him, with her usual habit of saying whatever thought came to her mind first. “I don’t even know you! Why on earth would I want to marry you and move all the way to Surrey, while I’m quite content here?”
The look he gave her made her feel as if the answer to that question should be obvious. And, in some ways, at least all the ones that mattered to society, he was quite right. She had lived in the same small town in Somersetshire where she was born for twenty two, almost twenty three years and she wasn’t getting any younger. Her family made but a modest living in their little rural community, her mother having received a fair amount of her parents’ inheritance. Her father had a few cousins in London whom Nicky had never met, and her mother had only one older brother, her Uncle Horace.
However, Nicky was quite content with the family she had, especially with her two elder sisters who never seemed to see an end in the torture they afflicted upon her as a small child. But now her sisters were long wed with families of their own. A very small part of her mourned that future she would never have; a husband, children, and a home of her own. And all anybody seemed to want to think about was how an unmarried woman would inevitably prove to be a burden upon those left to care for her. But looking up at her potential suitor, she realized how worth it, it all was.

[Monday]

Having satisfactorily reassured herself that she was making the right decision, Nicky pursed her lips, and waited for Mr. Giddings departure.
“Fine,” he huffed, rather petulantly, “See if I can’t find a more even-tempered young lady who won’t jump at my offer.”
“You do that,” she said, hiding her smile behind her book, open and in front of her face, before he was even completely turned around.
Still, she would not risk looking up after she heard the tinkling of the bells over the shop door. Nicky had just about decided that the coast would be clear and that she could return home when she heard someone clear their throat from behind her.
She gave a startled jump before spinning around in her seat to see who it was. “No worries, dear,” smiled a pair of familiar emerald colored eyes. “He’s long gone by now.”
Despite the fact that she was looking into a long-loved and trusted face, Nicky had to wait till the thrumming of her heart slowed down enough for her to speak. “You know,” she said, grinning despite herself, “You are still fairly sneaky for one getting on in years. How old are you now? Fifty five?”
“Nicole!” the older man exclaimed in mock horror, “I am quite shocked that you could speak so ill of your own father. And I’ll have you know that I won’t be turning fifty five for several more months.”

[Monday]

Nickystood up and entwined her arm in her father’s, her book clasped in her other hand. “Come on,” she said, giving him a gentle tug toward the door, “Let’s get you home before mother starts to fret.”
“Oh, let her worry. The old bat.”
Far from taking offense to her father’s rude comment, Nicky let out a quiet chuckle. Her parents squabbled back and forth, but she could see how their eyes shone at each other when they thought no one was looking. They were still as much in love now as they had been on their wedding day some thirty years ago. Nicky’s heart swelled in an odd mixture of awe and sadness, and wondered idly if they realized just what they had in each other.
They continued to stroll down the sprawling streets of a small sized town at high noon. Nicky enjoyed the leisurely walk from her family’s humble cottage to Barton and often made the trek once or twice a day.
If she was not walking or riding to town, she was reading or even practicing on her mother’s piano forte. She was the most musically inclined of her family, with the exception of her mother, who only played when one or two people were in her company and demurely brushed off any compliment aimed at getting her to play at a party or dance. Once, as a child, she had come upon her mother playing to herself, and Nicky thought she should never move again for it might easily break this beautiful, mystifying enchantment.
Though she could never hope to surpass her mother’s brilliance, her tireless practicing had started to come to fruition of late. In fact, it could possibly explain the large number of proposals she had been receiving recently. Three offers of marriage in one month! Any mother would call herself blessed to have a daughter so fortunate. And here she was, turning them away without the smallest sign of regret. Nicky’s biggest worry was that she would be an embarrassment to her mother, a spot of shame on what had here-to-for been an impeccable record of dignity. But if her mother did have any misgivings she was far too kind hearted to share them with Nicky.

[Monday]

Her thoughts often dwelled, with some sort of morbid curiosity, on what would become of her. If something were to happen to her father, heaven forbid, the estate and funds would not pass on to her or one of her sisters, but to a male relative, no matter how distant. She loathed the very institute but she had to accept that this was the way things were.
Living with one of her sisters was probably the most logical venture. Being of a very independent nature, however, Nicky loathed the idea of placing the burden of her poverty on another’s shoulders, especially a loved one. And for all the squabbling they went through as children, she still cared for both of them dearly.
They had been walking under the abundant shade of the maple trees, both in silent reflection, when her father suddenly spoke.
“I almost thought you’d accept this one, Nicole.” He smiled with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. “What made you decide against Mr. Giddings?”
Nicky knew he was simply teasing her, but she decided to play along and gave him a most appalled look. “Father, the man is a ninny! I could see myself happier with the groom!”
His forehead crinkled in supposed concentration. “You are referring to the one who often dribbles on himself when he sits in silence for too long, I presume. Let me see what I can arrange, as far as a proper meeting goes.”

[Monday]

She was first to relent from their silly game and let out a hearty laugh, bringing some color into her already lovely complexion. Her father smiled in return, happy to bring joy to his Nicole’s face. His youngest daughter’s brilliant smiles were becoming rarer in the last few months, and Mr. Hughes felt completely perplexed by the anomaly. Nicole had always been a happy child, somehow skipping the crazed teenage years of weeping at the drop of a hat that her elder sisters seemed to have charged right into. Obviously, he had the faintest bit of curiosity as to why she so forcefully tried to push away every suitor that ever presented himself to her. Though he had but little to offer in the way of a dowry, Nicole was obviously a beauty. She had her mother’s long raven hair and he had been told that her eyes, light blue to the point of almost appearing gray, were an exact copy of his.
Mr. Hughes supposed it was every father’s habit to think so highly of his offspring, but then again, he believed Katherine’s charm to greatly outweigh those of Victoria and Katherine. It took him a moment to realize that it was unfair to play favorites among his daughters.

[Thursday]

((it reminds me a lot of pride and prejudice.))

[Friday]

((that it does))

[Monday]

“My dear, what is it that I can do to make you happy again?” Though the question was meant to be rhetoric, he noticed Nicole’s brow furrow ever so slightly, as if in actual concentration. She seemed as confused as he was about her own unhappiness.
But as quickly as her look of consternation had appeared, it was gone, replaced by another smile, though lacking some of its former brilliance. “I have no reason in the world to feel despondent father. I have a family that loves me, a charming place to come home to every day, and an ample supply of good literature. What more could a lady want?”
His daughter’s words rang true but her last question had an edge to it that Mr. Hughes could not explain. “Ah, and who is it that you’re trying to convince here: you or me?”
Nicole glanced at him with a mixture of awe and resentment. Obviously he had a knack for reading her that she did not approve of. A downside to having a calm, level-headed daughter was that it was often hard to get her to share her emotions when she didn’t want to. He could tell by the set of her shoulders that she was uncomfortable, and for the life of him, Mr. Hughes couldn’t figure out why.
“Come now child,” he said patting her tenderly on the cheek, “You know I meant no offense. As always, your mother and I only want what’s best for you and for you to be happy.”
She whispered back, almost unintelligibly, “What if the two are not the same thing?” Mr. Hughes stared at his daughter in silence, not knowing quite what to say about that. But once again, the almost sad expression flashed away from her too lovely eyes. “I’m just being silly, father,” Nicole teased, “Of course I know that.”
He almost believed her until he saw the blank expression she used to hide her emotions return to her features as she stared at the path in front of them.

[Monday]

~*~*~*~

Nicky had just read the same page of her book for the third time before she reluctantly admitted that her mind was everywhere but the misty Scottish hills portrayed so cleverly in her novel. There were times when she could sooth away the troubles of her heart by diving into to someone else’s world but now was not one of them.
In truth, she didn’t know what had come over her in these last few months. She was not herself, but another person entirely. Whenever she tried to pretend that nothing was amiss (either for herself or her family, she did not know), it seemed to make matters worse. Not to mention the fact that she wasn’t fooling anybody, especially her father.
If only she knew the cause for her behavior; the reason behind her cryptic words that made no sense to her or anyone else but seemed to just fall out of her mouth of their own accord. She recalled her conversation with her father of only a few hours ago and yet it still mystified her. Though she remembered her father’s words with perfect clarity, ‘…your mother and I only want what’s best for you and for you to be happy…’ it was her half-uttered reply that haunted her thoughts.
“What if the two are not the same thing?” Nicky spoke the rhetorical question aloud as if hearing it again, and not just thinking it, would shed some light on the obscurity of the statement. But there was no such luck. Her father could not have been more confused about her remark then she was.

[Monday]

And it wasn’t simply the fact that she knew nothing about what her future held as far as were she would live and who would have the burden of supporting her financially, though that was enough to keep her mind turning late at night. No, there was this all encompassing ‘other’ that she had no name for, but still felt strongly none the less. Nicky knew deep in her heart that there was something missing, something essential, like breathing or eating. But for the life of her she was no closer to finding out what it was then the first day that she realized she was having these feelings.
She stared at the people outside her second floor bedroom window but could only here there murmured replies to one another’s questions over the soft pattering of rain against the glass. Despite the blurred images caused by the water running down the window pain, she could just make out the form of a town merchant she recognized. Though she couldn’t quite recall his name (Thomas or, possibly, Richard?), his physical form was one she clearly knew. He wore but an ordinary pair of trousers and a plane white shirt but the effect was extraordinary. The drenched fabric was visibly plastered to his well-defined arms and broad shoulders in a way that was quite pleasing to the eye. Nicky moistened her lips reflexively.
Could this finally be the answer to her woes? Was it possible that common lust was what stood in between her and inner tranquility? She laughed out loud. No, even if it were true she could never think so little of herself as to presume her melancholy was due to the lack of physical contact with men in her life. As scandalous as it was to ever admit to having such thoughts, she could picture the excitement of large, hot hands on her bare skin and soft lips commanding with a touch for her mouth to part. Unfortunately, as soon as the voice behind the enticing lips of any man she had ever known made an utterance, all thoughts of flesh against flesh vanished. She was convinced that there was not a single man in the world who could woo her with his words.
As a carriage pulled up beside the men still at work bartering or whatever else it was that merchants did, Nicky suddenly recalled that the man with the muscular physique, Thomas/Richard, had recently been wed last spring. The carriage doors sprang open as soon as the vehicle had come to a halt and what was once a skinny, young, blonde rushed out as fast as she could. Indeed, the girl, though several years younger than Nicky, was forced to waddle because of her round, pregnant belly. The young man’s face lit up with what could only be described as pure joy at seeing his wife and soon-to-be child move toward him. They embraced, one clearly full of love and comfort, and when they separated the expectant father reached down to caress his wife’s stomach. They both beamed happiness.
Ahhh, Nicky thought to herself, so this must be it.

[Monday]

Maybe her perpetual sour mood was due to the inevitability of the fact that no husband also meant no children. Of course, she couldn’t have a child without a man to claim it. The disaster of such an occurrence, the shameful eyes of society on them forever, the impossibly difficult life of a home with no bread-winner, was painful to imagine. She was scared enough for her own future without pulling a defenseless baby into her mess of a situation. She didn’t bother considering the possibility even for a fraction of a second.
And yet… she still wanted it. A family. Not the one she shared with her parents and sisters, but one that she could create with a partner. Now she was getting to the heart of the problem. Nicky had obviously read one too many sickeningly sweet love stories and the damage was apparently already done. She had convinced herself as a girl and, later, a young woman that marriage obviously fell hand in hand with love, and vice versa. How could anyone blame her, what with the ample supply of novels thrust upon her and the apparent example of her parents’ blissful marriage? But she had been wrong. Oh, so wrong.
Her sisters were proof enough of that truth. They were both exceedingly happy, that was not be mistaken. But they did not stare at their husbands with the same blissful love that reflected in their parents’ eyes. No, Mr. and Mrs. Hughes were the exception, most definitely not the rule. Who knew this better then Nicky, who had turned down three suitors in nearly as many months?
She sighed, a long one that could audibly be heard, as if by pushing out the air in her lungs this way, she would also be pushing out the woes of her heart. But she could feel them, stuck just there in that hollow space in her chest. The experience was not a pleasant one. For not the first time in her life, she wished that men were not a necessity for her personal happiness.
For some reason, these words put into that precise order brought out a long forgotten memory from her childhood. Still, the sentence was one that had stuck with her at the time because, truthfully, she could not understand it.
When Nicky was around six years old, her mother had come down with a rather frightening illness. She was bed ridden for weeks, and what with her father running the estate, there was no one to look after her sister’s and her education. Though the governess was only with them for about a month or two as Mrs. Hughes recovered, the woman had obviously made a lasting impression on Nicky. She found it difficult to imagine the details of this particular memory, especially one from almost two decades ago, but Nicky managed.

[Monday]

She was searching for food in the kitchen, something she had been told not to do several times, so Nicole was purposefully sneaking around, trying to remain undiscovered. That’s when she heard the voice of Ms. White speaking to a person she recognized as the cook.
“…see how you can move around constantly.” The cook was saying to Nicole’s governess, “Doesn’t it bother you to not settle down, have a family?”
Ms. White scoffed as if the idea was preposterous. “Certainly not! When one gets paid to satisfy her maternal instincts, men are not a necessity in any way. Besides, if I don’t like the children at one place, I can always find more amiable pupils elsewhere.”
She said this rather coldly, as if she were talking about animals and not children. Or perhaps Nicole only imagined this because just that morning, Ms. White had switched the back of her hand for reading instead of practicing her alphabet…
This punishment seemed ridiculously redundant to Nicky now, but no matter. She wasn’t forced to deal with the unkind woman for very long. At the time, she had found it strange that an unmarried woman could be this satisfied with her life. But now the idea of being a governess was not so disdainful. The very notion of the financial independence this would give her was rather tempting. Her place of work would more than likely provide her with somewhere to sleep and eat. Nicky had always adored looking after children and she was surprised the idea had not struck her sooner.
Still, there were quite a few obstacles to consider if she was willing to fully commit to this idea. Though her family was not rich by any means, being a working class woman with no intention of marrying was obviously a step down from where she was in the world now. Not that she cared a wit for such trifles. Nicky only wondered what her family would think, and whether or not her parents would approve.
Then there was the whole matter of actually finding a place to work. She had absolutely no experience with such matters and, honestly, the idea of moving entire counties away from her family to live with complete strangers was terrifying. And she had no idea if she would actually make a good governess, despite the fact that she had been very well educated herself. Knowing and teaching where two very different things.
But as far as Nicky could tell, remaining where she was now was far from a solution. And though the idea might frighten her, she truly believed deep within her that she would find some sort of satisfaction from such an occupation, especially if done well. For the first time in months, Nicky felt a glimmer of hope at seeing herself happy again in the near future.

[Monday]

*********************************

“What is it now, Martha?” Bracken Campbell leaned back in his office chair, his right hand held over his eyes, as if to block out the sight of his housekeeper standing at the doorway to his office. Not that he didn’t approve of the lady, herself. Quite to the contrary, the poor woman had kept him sane in these particularly trying last few weeks. But the fact of the matter was, that Ms. White wasn’t as young as she once was and really wasn’t capable of taking care of someone with as… rambunctious a personality as Sebastian. Honestly, she was a saint for putting up with him for this long.
“Sir,” she said, dipping in the most dignified curtsey Bracken had ever seen, “your charge seems to have tracked mud all over the freshly mopped entrance way, and I thought you might want to intervene before Stevens decides to hurt the poor boy.”
“Maybe he could use a good knocking,” Mr. Campbell grumbled in true Scottish fashion. He may have been born and raised English, but his father’s highlander blood still coursed through his veins and revealed itself in his features. Bracken had his father’s wide shoulders, strong arms, and handsome facial features, though the gentleman would never own to hit himself. His mother always said how he was an exact copy of his father before him. It was too bad the man never stuck around long enough to see for himself…
“I beg your pardon, sir?” Ms. White looked quite taken aback by his statement.
“A joke, Martha. Just a joke,” he assured her. He sat up from his comfortable office chair to deal with poor Sebastian.