Slice & Dice

[Tuesday]

It's sunny outside, so why is it that I'm surrounded by dark clouds that fill me with emptiness?

"So how was everyone's visiting day," Our group counselor asks us. No one makes a sound though, nobody wants to be the first to speak. She begins to look around at each of us, looking for that one subtle movement that apparently means we wish to speak. I stay perfectly still while her gaze passes over me, all the while wondering who the first pick will be today.

"I'll go first I guess," Kasey states.

"No surprise there," I hear from somewhere to my left, it's probably Amy; she always sits on that side. It's one of the closest seats to the exit.

"Hey now, we should encourage this ladies. It takes a great deal of strength to speak up," Said our counselor. She probably is wishing she was anywhere but with us, six girls who are all stuck here at Lake View with some sort of issue. "Go ahead, Kasey. Tell us how your visit went."

"Well,"Kasey began with an air of indifference," My mom sat across from me reading one of her tabloid magazines. Dad was in the hall on the phone with his secretary, whom he claims is only that, which is probably a bigger lie than any I've heard. And the sibling was doing homework. That's about it, a day in the life of Kasey!" She gave us a big grin that never reached her eyes.

"Was there any communication at all," Jackie asked with an authorative voice, some of the other girls began to crack sly grins and I knew where this was leading.

"Why of course not, Doctor. That would send the family into an utter frenzy!"

"MmmmHmmm," Jackie said while adjusting her glasses, "And how does that make you feel?"

"Oh Doctor! It makes me feel truly and horrifically awful! I don't believe I shall ever be able to see them again!" Cried Kasey over-dramatically. THe others began to laugh at the hilarity of the situation. That's how the sessions usually go, funny thing is they don't even realize half the time that they are in fact telling us how they feel. I shift slightly in my seat by the window, trying to get more comfortable in the plastic chair. Unfortunately this was a mistake.

"Samantha, do you have anything you would like to share? Maybe something about your own visiting day?" Counselor Clark asks me in a straightforward way.

I look outside the window once again and pretend I don't exist, which isn't as hard as it seems. My visiting day was full of joy also, my mother came to see me. Only the whole time she would look anywhere but at me, almost like if she didn't see me then there was no possible way for me to be in a place like this. My brother was texting his friends the whole time, ignoring me entirely. Dad didn't even bother to show up, which didn't surprise me at all. He has a life of his own, why the hell would he want to bother himself with his messed up daughter? I hear Counselor Clark sigh heavily and move on to the next girl.

[Tuesday]

Each girl here at Lake View has an issue, so it's no surprise really to see how all the personalities respond to one another. Lake View, the place that can supposedly fix any problem or issue with a child. They've figured out nearly every girls issue, well every girl except mine. I don't talk, not because I can't but because I chose not to. If I speak then no one will get hurt, and I care too much about others to let them be hurt by me. The session we are in right now is group session, every girl in here is assigned a group. You stay with the group during mealtime, group session, and downtime. My group consists of six girl: Jackie, Amy, Kasey, Lora, Heather, and me. Jackie and Lora have food issues, Lora is anorexic and Jackie is bulimic. They're both really tiny, almost scary like, they're good enough people though and it's hard to see how they act during mealtime. Heather, Amy and Kasey have drug issues, they have to go through weekly checks in the infirmary to make sure they haven't been hiding drugs on them, none have been caught so far with them.

I hear the sound of chairs scraping the linoleum floor, and look up realizing that session is over and that it's time to go to our individual sessions. I get up and follow the others to the board. The board is like a timeline of the day and each girl has their name on it. Heather, Amy, and Kasey are all off to the infirmary to get their next instructions there; while Jackie and Lora are off to the athletic area for health and excersize. I glance at the board and notice I have my therapy session with Dr. Smith today, we have a session every other day and today is one of them.

[Tuesday]

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Helen, and see that she is ready to escort me to Dr. Smith's office. I follow behind her, my gaze firmly on my sneakers, as we go through the maze that is the hallways of Lake View. I have to have an escort since I'm only a level one, a level one has to be escorted everywhere they go with either an Attendant or a level three. Helen is a level three, which is for the girls who are about to leave this place since they have come so far in their recovery. Sometimes I wonder if she likes escorting me, but other times I can't see why. I'm just a short, and plain 15year old; nothing special there.

We reach the office, both of us stand there and stare at the wood door with Dr. Abigail Smith's nameplate on it. I glance at Helen through my bangs, and notice that she looks like she wants to say something to me. After a moment she reconsiders and turns and begins to walk away from me and the office, in all the time she's escorted me she has never once uttered a word. Maybe she's like me, maybe I'm the only crazy person who won't talk. Then again, this is a place for crazy people. They don't like it when we say stuff like that, they say we're not crazy just troubled.

[Wednesday]

(I like it so far, keep it up)

[Tuesday]

I knock softly on the door and hear the voice of Dr. SMith beckon me in, thus the familiar routine begins. I walk in, immediately going to the armchair in the corner of the room next to the window, Dr. Smith walks around her desk and sits across from me. Her notebook is in hand and she flips to a new blank page that will soon be filled with how I don't communicate. And then I hear the words that starts our session.

"Can you tell me when it began?"

Of course I can, if I were talking to humanity I would tell you that it started in 6th grade and gradually got to be more. You'll probably next ask me why, in which case there are numerous reasons why my 12 year old self would start this. This leading to you once again asking me, can you tell me about the first time? Yes, I can, because it was when I gave up on life. On the idea that I would never be able to escape from it all, an escape I desperately needed.

[Tuesday]

"I saw that your mother and brother came to visiting day. Tell me about how it went."

My eyes flicker toward her, how can she be so perky and happy when she has to deal with the troubled? It was mind boggling really. I hope you realize that I won't tell you anything, that I won't speak. My mind is now my own personal little haven, I can escape to it anytime I want. In my mind all my dreams and fantasies come true, in my mind all is right in the world. I notice that the whole time i've been thinking, you've been talking. It's not like I care what you say, but I do hear you and try and pay attention.

"Samantha, you're going to have to talk sooner or later," Not likely, "We really want to hear that beautiful voice of yours. I heard you enjoyed music, you know we have a room full of instruments that you might like." I used to enjoy music, I can't stand it anymore. I wish you'd leave me alone, that's all I really want, is to be left alone in my own little world. I hear you sigh in defeat.

"That's all for today, Sam," Don't call me that," PLease think about checking out our music area. Maybe it'll help open you up some." I get up and give a small wave before rushing out the door. I hate it in one-on-one time, it's horrible in there and it feels like there's no escape, and everytime I get out of there the urge comes back full force.